{Thursday, July 13, 2006
. A Cry to God}
Two weeks ago during worship after the church service, we were singing "Take All of Me" and part of the lyrics had "I give You my all for all of You". The words of this song had never struck me harder than on that day worshiping Him. The Bible says that we can give our yoke to Him, and He'll exchange it with His, which is easy, the perfect rest, where my yoke had been so much. Basically, I couldn't take all that had been happening in my life. Sure, I may be so relaxed and all, not to mention everyone who knows me knows I pretty much have a normal everyday life. They wonder how I never deal with any hardships. Yet I cried during that worship session, poured out tears that haven't flowed in countless months because I was so tired of life! My life has completely two totally different sides. I shouted out in tongues to God of my main pain...the lack of appreciation. I've never purposely garnered appreciation, never asked for it, always passed the appreciation to someone else because appreciation made me feel awkward. Yet here I was, crying to God because I was severely misunderstood by everyone. No one who knows me really knows me well, and I can prove that very well, just go ask anyone who knows me. They will tell you about how I am to others and what I do but who I truly am, no one knows, and no one appreciates what I do behind the scenes. I don't want the appreciation but at that time of worshipping I just asked why I did not get that appreciation, why I suffered so much in life, why that vow I made in depression came so true.
What is that vow you ask? Well, I shall tell you. Many years ago I had a bout of depression, so bad that I made a vow to whatever entity (I was not a Christian back then) was listening to me that I would promise for my entire life, to take the sadness and pain of everyone around me. Allow me to suffer I had said, and to take my happiness away and give it to everyone. I was just so tired of life that I was so sincere in making that vow. And it seems I am fulfilling my vow all the time.
Who has saved at least four people from committing suicide? Yet I don't get a thanks from anyone? Not even them?
Who is keeping my entire family together? When my parents and sister don't communicate at all but I am the only link between them?
Who is constantly under fire from my family, yet I still hold the family together in the midst of all I do?
Who is keeping so many friendships together, who hears all the backstabbings between them?
Who has saved and brought back countless friendships and yet get no thanks?
Who would lay down his life for so many friends, yet wonders whether others feel the same?
Who gets scolded for coming to service late because I want my overworked parents to rest a bit? To not make it so inconvenient for them to drive me whenever I need to?
Who gets scolded for disturbing my parents when cellgroup timings change, discipleship meetings suddenly are in schedule or I'm asked to help out at 1am?
Who gets scolded for coming to service late even though I rush because I'm in another country?
Who gets scolded for coming back late because I fellowship with my cellgroup mates and new friends because I know that that the unity is so important?
Who always passes the thanks and appreciation to someone else whenever I get the chance?
Who gets shouted at for helping strangers and as a result coming home late?
Who gets a harsh sarcastic remark for forgetting something? While someone else who forgets also merely gets a comment of "Don't forget next time"
Who serves so much yet I'm told that I rarely serve?
Who is told to rise up yet all opportunities for me to rise up aren't given? And when they do, no one sees?
Who really takes time to know people and I'm told that I don't care about souls?
Who purposely gives the better things to others and take something worse for myself?
Who spends so much time with my crush, yet for our friendships sake I keep my feelings to myself?
Who talks to the girl I like yet she ignores me on so many occasions?
Our time together means a lot
But it means nothing
I see you often and we spend time together
I see you rarely and we spend time together
You really enjoy being with me
But you don't
Appreciated
Ignored
But I feel for both.
Never mind if you don't get the last part, it's only meant to be understood by the people whom I've told. But above is a very brief list of how I feel so unappreciated even though I never asked to be appreciated. I kept crying out so many other complaints to God, "beating on His chest" in a way. Asking why why why?
Then God, the Almighty, the most omnipotent Person, eternally huge, didn't reply me in a thundersome way, not in some mighty miracle or sign, but in a small whisper. He said "I love you." And suddenly all the blessings He's given me came into memory. Though my suffering far outweighs my blessings, knowing that God appreciates me all the time for what I've done is good enough. The answering to suffering isn't through some long theological debate, but God Himself... hearing Him as good as answers my questions.
Matthew 6:1-4 tells it to me in full. Verses 5-8 also contain the same basic message but in other subjects. But one thing that is always repeated is "Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you." Again and again it is repeated. And if Scripture says I'll be rewarded, added with the fact that God spoke me in a humble whisper, then that is a good enough answer to me.
Simply put, God is the answer.
† P§¥KØ †™ testifying at 2:46 AM
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Two weeks ago during worship after the church service, we were singing "Take All of Me" and part of the lyrics had "I give You my all for all of You". The words of this song had never struck me harder than on that day worshiping Him. The Bible says that we can give our yoke to Him, and He'll exchange it with His, which is easy, the perfect rest, where my yoke had been so much. Basically, I couldn't take all that had been happening in my life. Sure, I may be so relaxed and all, not to mention everyone who knows me knows I pretty much have a normal everyday life. They wonder how I never deal with any hardships. Yet I cried during that worship session, poured out tears that haven't flowed in countless months because I was so tired of life! My life has completely two totally different sides. I shouted out in tongues to God of my main pain...the lack of appreciation. I've never purposely garnered appreciation, never asked for it, always passed the appreciation to someone else because appreciation made me feel awkward. Yet here I was, crying to God because I was severely misunderstood by everyone. No one who knows me really knows me well, and I can prove that very well, just go ask anyone who knows me. They will tell you about how I am to others and what I do but who I truly am, no one knows, and no one appreciates what I do behind the scenes. I don't want the appreciation but at that time of worshipping I just asked why I did not get that appreciation, why I suffered so much in life, why that vow I made in depression came so true.
What is that vow you ask? Well, I shall tell you. Many years ago I had a bout of depression, so bad that I made a vow to whatever entity (I was not a Christian back then) was listening to me that I would promise for my entire life, to take the sadness and pain of everyone around me. Allow me to suffer I had said, and to take my happiness away and give it to everyone. I was just so tired of life that I was so sincere in making that vow. And it seems I am fulfilling my vow all the time.
Who has saved at least four people from committing suicide? Yet I don't get a thanks from anyone? Not even them?
Who is keeping my entire family together? When my parents and sister don't communicate at all but I am the only link between them?
Who is constantly under fire from my family, yet I still hold the family together in the midst of all I do?
Who is keeping so many friendships together, who hears all the backstabbings between them?
Who has saved and brought back countless friendships and yet get no thanks?
Who would lay down his life for so many friends, yet wonders whether others feel the same?
Who gets scolded for coming to service late because I want my overworked parents to rest a bit? To not make it so inconvenient for them to drive me whenever I need to?
Who gets scolded for disturbing my parents when cellgroup timings change, discipleship meetings suddenly are in schedule or I'm asked to help out at 1am?
Who gets scolded for coming to service late even though I rush because I'm in another country?
Who gets scolded for coming back late because I fellowship with my cellgroup mates and new friends because I know that that the unity is so important?
Who always passes the thanks and appreciation to someone else whenever I get the chance?
Who gets shouted at for helping strangers and as a result coming home late?
Who gets a harsh sarcastic remark for forgetting something? While someone else who forgets also merely gets a comment of "Don't forget next time"
Who serves so much yet I'm told that I rarely serve?
Who is told to rise up yet all opportunities for me to rise up aren't given? And when they do, no one sees?
Who really takes time to know people and I'm told that I don't care about souls?
Who purposely gives the better things to others and take something worse for myself?
Who spends so much time with my crush, yet for our friendships sake I keep my feelings to myself?
Who talks to the girl I like yet she ignores me on so many occasions?
Our time together means a lot
But it means nothing
I see you often and we spend time together
I see you rarely and we spend time together
You really enjoy being with me
But you don't
Appreciated
Ignored
But I feel for both.
Never mind if you don't get the last part, it's only meant to be understood by the people whom I've told. But above is a very brief list of how I feel so unappreciated even though I never asked to be appreciated. I kept crying out so many other complaints to God, "beating on His chest" in a way. Asking why why why?
Then God, the Almighty, the most omnipotent Person, eternally huge, didn't reply me in a thundersome way, not in some mighty miracle or sign, but in a small whisper. He said "I love you." And suddenly all the blessings He's given me came into memory. Though my suffering far outweighs my blessings, knowing that God appreciates me all the time for what I've done is good enough. The answering to suffering isn't through some long theological debate, but God Himself... hearing Him as good as answers my questions.
Matthew 6:1-4 tells it to me in full. Verses 5-8 also contain the same basic message but in other subjects. But one thing that is always repeated is "Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you." Again and again it is repeated. And if Scripture says I'll be rewarded, added with the fact that God spoke me in a humble whisper, then that is a good enough answer to me.
Simply put, God is the answer.
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